Prepare yourself, this could get long and very random.
When thinking about what I wanted to blog about yesterday I decided to blog what was on my mind. Yesterday was not a very good day for me for some reason. We all have bad days right?? Anyway, I thought I would talk about some of my struggles. There are two things I struggle with today and have since I was in high school. Weight and Guilt.
Let's talk about weight. UGH! I hate that I let this play such a big part of my emotions and self-confidence/self-esteem. It's a constant struggle with me. You see, I am a poster-child for Yo-Yo dieting...to the T! I've been up and down the same 30-40 lbs for the better part of 10 years. Right now, I'm 30 lbs lighter than I was last August. That's GREAT, I know. BUT, in my mind, I still see myself as being 30 lbs heavier and it's really hard to "feel good" about losing the weight when that's how I view myself. I remember in high school I always wanted to be thinner. I wasn't overweight or even really chunky, but I wasn't stick thin either. I have junk in my trunk and hams as thighs and no matter how much weight I lose, those things will always be there!! I'm okay with that to some degree. I just wish that I could be happy with the way I look. I worry for Sydni that she will have self-image issues since she is SO much like me. We are VERY careful in our house to not say "diet" or "fat" and we talk about eating healthy, etc. But I know how girls are and she is already seeing that she is built differently than some of her friends and has even asked one of them if she "liked being skinny". Of course, the friend was like, "huh, what are you talking about??" At almost 9, this is NOT something she should be concerned with. There has been only one time in my life where I was truly happy with the way I looked and that was when I was running 3 miles a day. The smart thing to be would be to start doing that again....I wasn't working when I started that and I'm having a hard time finding the motivation to start again. I did walk last night and am determined to do something, anything to make me feel healthier and more comfortable with the way I look. I really shouldn't be so vain, but I'm being honest here and this is how I feel!
On to the guilt. It seems weird that I can't overcome this, but so far I haven't figured out how. What do I feel guilty about...everything! I feel guilt because I don't clean house enough, I don't cook enough, I don't spend enough time with my kids, that I'm too selfish, that I made bad choices that have had a negative effect on our family at times...and the list goes on. I'm sure some of these are perfectly normal and every mom/woman/wife has the same feelings at times. What is not normal is that I can't seem to shake these feelings and it's like I harp on my own self. Jeremy never says anything about the house, cooking, etc. So it's not like I feel this way because he's said something. So, my thinking is that I have to figure out a way to get past this because it surely isn't healthy, right?
Have you ever wanted a Do-Over? You know, you wish you could go back and completely do something different to make the outcome of a choice/deicision different? I know I sure do! Lots of times..but a lot of those things wouldn't have made me the person I am today and I guess in some weird way, I'm thankful that they happened. There is one thing I've been struggling with and wishing I had a "Do-Over" I could cash in and that is with my business (photography). I think I rushed into some things without thinking about the long-term goal and the effect it would have and now I am having regrets :(
As I walked the neighborhood last night, I had good "Come to Jesus talk" with myself. I know that *I* am the only one who can change how I feel and how I perceive things, so I need to stop this pity party and pull myself up by the boot straps and move on. Who says you have to make a new resolution ONLY when it's new year's?? I've decided to make a new resolution that starts today, because really why put it off any longer...(says the QUEEN of procrastination!!).
So these are the things I promised to myself. I will eat healthy and exercise and whatever weight I am, that's okay, that means I'm healthy. I will not mentally be-rate myself anymore for the way I look, instead embrace it and be proud that I have lost 30 lbs and managed to keep it off this time...which is a LOT more than I can say for the past times I have dieted!! I will not make myself feel guilty for things that are in the past and can not be changed. Because really, what good am I doing harping on it now when I can do NOTHING to change it, except ensure I don't make the same mistakes again!
Pretty deep thoughts for a Thursday, right?? Well, I feel better at least! I know that I am blessed that I am healthy, my kids are healthy, I have a husband who loves me for me, etc. That doesn't change the fact that we all have insecurities and I think it's important to make sure they don't overshadow your blessings.
I'm going to leave with a small conversation that I had after picking the kids up from daycare yesterday. They went to the Skateplex in Tyler and the kids have only been one other time.
Me: Sydni, did you have fun on your field trip today?
Sydni: YES, it was so much fun!
Me: What did you do?
Sydni: Well, I skated some, but then they played that Ke$ha song and Justin Bieber and there was this dance floor in the middle and well, I just thought to myself, Sydni you should really go out there and dance cuz that is WAY more fun than skating is...so I just did it...and it was fun.
Me: Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun (smiling because she was really animated while telling me this)
Sydni: Yep, it was fun, I think next time I won't even get skates, I'll just wait til the music comes on and dance the whole time.
I *HEART* her so much!
